Dear applicant for Sexiest Man Alive 2014,
Thank you for applying for People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. We received over one million applications and were incredibly impressed with each and every one of them. The collective body of work demonstrates how the Obama age has diversified the talent pool and destroyed Hollywood’s homogeneity. We are truly blessed to be alive during this time of change.
Unfortunately, we selected someone more qualified for this year’s Sexiest Man Alive title. But because you are young and were one of our top contenders, we wanted to give you some specific feedback.
We appreciate you submitting your portfolio for our skin deep judgment and drooling mouths. While we liked what we saw, we decided that your fan base and our readership are far too dissimilar to warrant this business decision. We just do not see you as a face that would drive sales. We take this decision very seriously and perform a series of tests before crowning the Sexiest Man. After putting the women and gay men in the office under observation and showing them your picture, we discovered that your face did not meet the required scientific results to qualify for the title. On average, heart rates remained steady and eyes did not dilate to the appropriate radius. Also, an informal poll among the straight men in the office revealed that there were few individuals who saw you as someone “man crush worthy” or “would consider going gay for you.” Plus you are Asian, and we at People Magazine are not ready to push the boundaries in that way. We are still patting ourselves on the back for appointing Denzel Washington sexiest man alive back in 1996 not to mention there’s still cake in the fridge from when Time Inc. started People en Espanol (also in 1996. We ate a lot of cake that year.)
Best of luck in the future. Do not hesitate to resubmit in the upcoming years. In the meantime, keep at it and we cannot wait to see you play a best friend or Korean deli owner’s son in an upcoming episode of Law & Order SVU.