The assignment was to write 5 “Borowitz Reports.” Here’s what I came up with.
Sex Saves Souls
As more Mormon girls are signing up to become missionaries, they are discovering that persuasive value of their sexuality. A recent poll revealed that out of the 23,000 females who’ve enlisted as god’s servants, only 15% of them had not given a holy handjob. “Being the right combination of flirtatious and innocent isn’t being manipulative,” said 21 year old Ashley Packer. “Although I do find that boys are more willing to convert if I show a little bit of cleavage.” “We definitely take the girls’ looks into consideration when sending them on their mission trips,” said Sister Madeline Smith, head of the Mormon Relief Society in Rochester, NY. “We’re not going to waste a 10 on a small village in Sudan, nor would we send a girl with a mustache and a double chin to New York City.” When asked whether using their sexuality went against their religious beliefs, the girls were quick to dismiss the idea. “Whipping out our breasts is the closest thing we have to performing a miracle,” said Packer. “How is that going against Mormonism?”
Gays Look Great in Green, allowed to be in St. Patrick’s Day Parade
MassEquality, a Massachusetts based gay rights group, will be allowed to walk in Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day parade. “We’ve been banning gay groups for twenty years,” explained local Irish man Mitchell O’Leary, “but then we realized that if anyone knows how to match green and orange tastefully, it’s those homosexual folks.” “We usually just buy our outfits from Party City or I’ll wear an old Celtics jersey,” said Boston volunteer fireman, Tim O’Connor. “But those men-loving men are matching Forest green trousers, with a honeydew green checkered button down and a persimmon pocket square. At first I wasn’t thrilled the queers were joining us on our day, you know, but then I looked at them and thought you know, maybe they’re doing it all right.” When approached, a spokesman from MassEquality was deciding between Princeton Orange and Pumpkin colored silks and was unable to comment.
Drowning out your baby’s cries can lead to hearing loss and a better night’s sleep
New research shows that white noise sleep machines, the devices used to lull babies to sleep, could cause loss of hearing in infants. However, the data also showed that when the calming seashore sounds are cranked up to 11, parents get a better night sleep. “It’s really a matter of weighing the pros and cons,” said research analyst Peter Kent. “Your baby may be deaf by age three, but if you, as the parent, are fully awake and alert, you’ll have the energy to care for a disabled child.” Advocates for natural parenting methods are pleased with the results, noting that it’s just the type of information they need to propagate in order to increase the number of self-soothing children, and more involved parents. “Parents should be helping their babies fall asleep,” said Dr. Madeline George, spokeswoman for the Zzzs Clinic in Michigan. “Apps and machines can’t replace love.” Other parents are continuing to use their white noise machines, believing their children to be invincible, or that their own sleep is a higher priority. “Think of how much quieter our house will be in five years!” said Michelle Gregory, a stay at home mom from Seattle, Washington. “Having a deaf child means I’ll never have to listen to an after school special on TV, or those dumb toys that make sounds. Plus deaf kids are eligible for college scholarships. Win Win.”
Wrong Kerry Visits Ukraine
Hoping to see the pregnant Kerry Washington descend from a private jet in Kiev, Ukrainians were disappointed to discover that it will not be the star of Scandal who’ll be visiting them on Tuesday. Instead, old white man Secretary of State John Kerry plans on visiting the country to show support their new government. “We saddened to not see Olivia Pope,” said one Ukrainian man. “Ukraine don’t get good tv reception. I not sure if she and Fitz together still. Would like to ask.” Even Arseniy P. Yatsenyuk, the prime minister of Ukraine voiced his upset. “John Kerry. Who is this man? Just extension of American ineptitude. Olivia Pope handles things. John Kerry. Obama. No handling. No getting things done.” When asked, the actress famous for her role as Olivia Pope in ABC’s Scandal said that she was flattered that her character was embraced abroad, but due to her condition, she is unable to fly to the violent Eastern European country.
12 Years a Slave wins Oscar, makes it difficult to teach racism
While Steve McQueen and the cast of 12 Years a Slave were celebrating their recent Oscar win, third grade teachers all over the United States were panicking. How, they asked themselves, would they teach racism now that the conservative Academy of Motion Pictures awarded a top prize to a film about slavery? “These kids are going to be so confused,” said public school teacher Ginger Matthews. “I’ve been trying to teach them about racism and how blacks have not always been awarded the same respect as whites. But now that 12 Years a Slave won for Best Picture last night, they are going to think that I’ve been lying to them all along.” Other school districts are concerned that the lack of Holocaust films in this year’s race means that kids won’t care about it anymore. “There hasn’t been a Holocaust film nominated since Inglorious Bastards back in 2010,” said Hunter Middle School Principal Sally Helps. “Parents are going to want World War II off the curriculum. It just isn’t as relevant as it used to be.”